High Smug levels expected to continue

Concern is increasing daily regarding the disturbing levels of Smug in the atmosphere. The phenomenon was first spotted a week ago. Low level atmospheric Smug was witnessed in neighbourhoods across the country. 

Alan Fetlock, Community Environment Officer for the Environment Agency has been monitoring and collating occurrences of Smug in the last week: 

"It first came to my attention in the morning of 7th February. I was called out to investigate a low level cloud which appeared to be hanging in the middle of the street in Stoke Newington. As this is such an unusual meteorological occurrence I brought a camera to the scene to document the phenomenon. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the cloud. I'm used to seeing small amounts of Smug - but it usually only appears as a fine mist outside art galleries and Victoria Coren's house. This cloud appeared to be hanging directly above The Painted Onion vegan cafe. Despite the generally sunny weather conditions, the cloud didn't dissipate. No sooner had I arrived at the Painted Onion when I was immediately called away from the scene to examine another cloud which had appeared above The Global Rainbow Healthfood Centre and Canteen in Crouch End. Again, before I had even left my vehicle I got a call to attend another incident in Greenwich. I resolved to try and obtain a sample before moving on. I could tell it was going to be a long day."

Fetlock was able to obtain a sample from the cloud as it appeared to have precipitated slightly as it grew heavier.

"I was able to take a swab from a wicker table outside the canteen. It appeared to be quite thick and rubbery in it's consistency. The manageress of the Centre, Clithera Harrington-Head was unable to shed any light on what had happened, stating that her customers had been sat reading the Guardian and chatting as usual."

On returning to the Environment Agency offices, Fetlock was able to test the sample. 

"I have to say that in all my years I've never come across anything as bizarre as this. We couldn't trace any of the usual gases, toxins and carcinogens  that you expect to find at street level. We were about to refer the matter on when by accident I dropped some onto my sandwiches and accidentally ate it. As I accidentally chewed the substance I remember getting the distinct feeling that I wasn't eating anything pleasant. I also felt a little cheated, and suddenly I realised that it was tofu."

This revelation created as many questions as it answered, one. Why were there clouds of Smug, made of pure tofu rising across the capital?

Indeed, not just the capital. Exactly at the same time as the incidents in London, further incidents were reported across the country - from Hebden Bridge to Glastonbury the cloud continued to spread.

Environment Minister, Spencer Fox-Hunt, had to be interrupted from his keynote address, "The Future of Parking: The Paving of Paradise", expressed his concern:

"It is right to say that it is a worrying chain of events. We have been closely monitoring the situation. The level of Smug in the country has reached a level seldom seen in this country."

The Smug cloud comes at a bad time for the Government, who find themselves mired in the scandal of horsemeat burgers and lasagne. Fox-Hunt added: "The last time smug levels reached anything like this was during the foot and mouth crisis." 

Indeed, there seems to be no let-up in the growth of the cloud. Prospects seem bleak for the time being. Senior Government scientist, Dame Bea Chursbrooke gave little hope: "If anything the trend seems to be that the Smug is only going to grow, at least for a little while longer." Asked if anything could be done to disperse the Smug cloud, Chursbrooke concluded: "It is likely that the cloud will eventually dissipate. There have been instances outside Waitrose supermarkets where the Smug has disappeared. However, the only way that I could see this being effected sooner  on a national scale would be if it were discovered that tofu was rendered from the anus of the loser of a bullfight."

So, it appears likely that we will have to suffer this Smug for a little while longer.

Bus or train

Do I take the bus or train today.
There are plenty of buses, they're well presented, though slightly expensive and they promise to take you where you want to go (as long as it's not Scotland). On the downside, they don't really respect, the offers are slightly disengenuous and they might just jettison you in the middle of nowhere.
Or should I take the train...
It isn't popular, run down, frequented by sleazy types and the guard is a miserable old sod who has been brooding for a decade whilst his service gets progressively worse. On the plus side, it's going to go in the right direction, it's just that I might have to drive it myself for a bit...
decisions, decisions

Nazi Germany wasn't built in a day

I saw Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP on the telly this morning; his party has just gained two seats in the European Parliament (this alongside gains for the Tories and UKIP, which points to only one direction!). It was pointed out by the interviewer, who could barely conceal his contempt, that these gains were a long way from translating to gains in a General Election. Griffin shrugged this off by saying 'Rome wasn't built in a day'. I suddenly imagined a hilarious situation where either Griffin made a Freudian slip and said Nazi Germany wasn't built in a day, or the interviewer replied with 'neither was Nazi Germany'; either would please me.

What strikes me about this interview was the contempt shown for the BNP. Not that I don't think contempt should be levelled at them. I think they are narrow-minded, racist, contemptible thugs and it doesn't matter how many suits you buy for them, they still look like Jonny Adair awaiting trial. My problem is that the contempt for them is also born out of a feeling that they are only a marginal bunch of thugs, who we don't need to take seriously. It's this sort of complacency in politics that has allowed them to progress over the last few years.

Whilst our established parties have cracked open the Champers, continually patted themselves on the back for a job well done and put the rest down under expenses, parties like the BNP have picked up the votes of people who feel alienated from these self congratulatory parties. With the promise of action on populist policies they say the things that people want to hear.

This is why, as our government seemingly ignores the people and then disintegrates, parties like the BNP pick up the pieces. This has happened before. In Europe, the period after the First World War was dominated by weak democracies being overtaken by single-minded and populist dictatorships - Italy, Germany, Spain, Portugal, Greece all succumbed to dictatorship after their elected democracies floundered and failed.

Of course, the situation was different in 1918. Europe had been ravaged by the Great War. Many millions of men were killed, infrastructures destroyed and there was always the spectre of another war. Added to this was the emerging fear of communism, leading monarchs to endorse parties and personalities to the Right.

Circumstances today aren't nearly as extreme as they were at the beginning of the 20th Century. However, they are there as an example of what can happen when democracy is weak. Our democracy today isn't weak because of the global situation, it's weak because it is arrogant, aloof and unaccountable. When this is the case, people look to other sources to vent their frustrations and to look for guidance. The BNP offers a brash and unashamed voice to people who are angry and disenfranchised. They may be a long way off power, but Nazi Germany wasn't built in a day.

Thou Shalt Not Claim

Priest: Hello my child
man: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Priest: (rubbing his hands) go on...
man: I slept with a woman who wasn't my wife and then I paid her £200...
Priest: yes...
man: and sometimes I like to strangulate myself whilst wearing women's stockings...
Priest: continue...
man: and I bought a 40 inch plasma screen TV for my constituency home and I claimed it back through Members Allowances...
Priest: (exhales in shock) ok...anything else?
man: well...
Priest: be strong my son...
man: well... the £200 for a prostitute was also claimed back through members allowances, written off as 'nannying services' but to be fair I did wear a bib and dummy...
Priest: Ok, you need to say 10 Hail Mary's and 5 how's your father's and publicly confess your sins...

This conversation may have taken place but I doubt many politicians would have the conscience to do that. My favourite thing about the whole of the member's allowances scandal is the bizarre political capital they are all trying to get from it. To start with, let's state one fact:

THEY'RE ONLY SORRY BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN FOUND OUT!

So many of them knew that they were manipulating a system to their own ends, fully understanding that the money was coming from tax payers. After the revelation, it is simply a case of saving face. The way the leaders have gone about it is hilarious. It is quite clear that they've sat down with their close advisors and thought how they can spin their way out of this one...and it is breathtaking what they've come up with:

"let's confess all our sins in one big rush, naming and shaming our worst offenders and then we can say how sorry we are about it all and what steps we will take to ensure that it doesn't happen again. The key point is, our way of doing this must seem to be more stringent than the other parties." I imagine this idea would be followed up my having members stand in elections with their expense receipts as their manisfesto.

The perceived result is that we look and them and think:

'wow, they are being so honest. I can't believe that they are actually naming people, real people with heads and legs, and saying what these real people scrounged off the state - but their so, so sorry about it. My perception of these people, nay this political party, has changed. I think I'll vote for them.'

The actual result is that we look on shaking our heads, galled that they think we'll swallow this big turd. Amazingly they think it's all about sums of money and items but it's much more than that, it's about what politicians consider reasonable and ultimately our trust in them.

What, I imagine, most people are shocked by is how out of touch many politicians seem. Would you willingly put the future of the country in the hands of a man who considers it a reasonable (taxpayer funded) expense to have his pool or moat (fucking hell!!!) cleaned. Usually, people with moats, have moats to keep people who can't swim moats out - not really people persons. I expect we'll see a sudden surge of politicians who have not abused the system being promoted to key positions soon, which I suppose isn't a bad thing.

Every Sperm is Sacred

The Holiest of the Holies, Pope Benedict XVI, or Joseph Ratzinger, or Joe as I prefer to call him has been edict-ing again today in his papal infallible way.

Apparently, and he must be right, what with him being infallible and all, apparently condoms are bad for you and can exacerbate the likelihood of contracting HIV/AIDS. Chutzpah eh! Well, what he said technically was that throwing money and condoms at the problem was not the answer. The only answer was to take the church's traditional stance of abstention from sexual intercourse. Of course, what better way to kill off AIDS than to stop shagging. It's the perfect solution. I'd like to hear his solution for the problem of global poverty - probably something along the lines of stop being poor and become better off. Or he could solve the Islamic terrorism problem by stating "stop being Muslims and be Catholics". Simple solutions for a simple world from a simple man. In theory obviously abstinence would work but let's not forget the old saying "Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder". If people really abstained for any length of time, you can guarantee that they would be rutting before the week was out, on a never before seen level. Abstinence as a solution could only come from a guy who killed his sexual urges or had them killed before he was out of lederhosen (by which time he was already in the seminary, where the only sex is... well let's not go into that).

What his papal plan overlooks, other than the glaringly obscene suggestion that condoms increase the likelihood of causing AIDS infection, is the fact that you cannot impose cultural ideals on other cultures. It's a bit like Robbie Williams being inexplicably successful in the UK but seen as god-awful in the USA. What works for one culture, cannot be guaranteed to work for another; especially when the culture that brought about this particular plan was an austere, medieval European society, based in piety. It's a miracle that such an anachronistic teaching could survive in any form in Europe today. It's another thing altogether to expect that such a teaching could be accepted amongst a completely different culture.

If Joe's idea of abstention is successful in any way, it is only through people's greater fear of eternal damnation than of AIDS.

If it isn't and people go ahead and do what comes naturally to them (and let's face it, if we were created, we were created with sexual desires, so what God could justifiably expect us to suppress them), I just hope they also ignore the Catholic Church's stance on contraception. Some countries in Africa have HIV/AIDS rates of around 25%, which should make you gasp in horror. With rates as high as that, African people can't afford to listen to the Papal Bullshit that emanates from his holiness and it is immoral that people should be bullied and compromised by religion when their lives are at stake.

God, I hate the irrelevant old fucker!*



(* that wasn't addressed at God, because he doesn't exist, it was just a figure of speech)

Is your Homeland Secure?

It was reported today that the Liberal Democrats had made a Freedom of Information request regarding the use of RIPA (Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act) by local councils in the last five years. RIPA gives local authorities the power to use surveillance to investigate serious crimes. The list of crimes that have been investigated is startling and the underlying theme leads us to some worrying conclusions.

RIPA powers have been used to surveil members of the public for such things as dog fouling (them shitting, not us jumping in two footed on them), littering, vandalism and investigating the residence of parents who claim residency in one area to get in a school's catchment area.

The use of such powers should only be for the most serious of crimes and all these crimes seem petty. So, what does this tell us about the usage of RIPA by local authorities.

We could surmise that they are abusing the purpose of these powers and using them to snoop on people. This could be seen as an erosion of civil liberties and a grim sign that we are marching inexorably towards a surveillance state of '1984' proportions.

Or perhaps there is something else, that is less obvious. Perhaps there is a deeper reason for this ostensible abuse of serious legislation. In other words, perhaps the target of this surveillance is as serious as the use of RIPA requires. We don't know everything; maybe we should give the authorities the benefit of the doubt. What better way for those who hate our freedoms and our way of life to destroy them than to attack our infrastructure. We know they take on big targets e.g. 9/11, Bali, but what about the unseen? We need to open our minds a bit here. It isn't always possible to blow up buildings and slaughter innocent people in a town square. It's high profile and attracts a lot of attention; nibbling away at our infrastructure is a subtle way of destroying our way of life. We see dog fouling and fly tipping - RIPA could be investigating the pollution and degradation of our parks and public spaces. We see a tramp has pissed in a lift or phone box - could this not be an attack on communications and transport? We see that stuck-up parents don't want their precious children to go to the local comprehensive so they fake their address to get them into the school of choice - the authorities probably see the same and just want to catch the conceited bastards at it.

These are things you probably haven't thought of but it's food for thought. Next time you walk past a melted bin in the town centre, think who benefits the most from this 'random act' of vandalism. Perhaps then you might look at the camera pointed at that bin and feel comforted, rather than the cold fear that 'Miniluv' is just round the corner.

The Feminine Mystique

I wonder, as Emily Wilding Davison ducked under the railing and prepared herself, whether she could imagine how successful the struggle for equal rights for women would become. As Betty Friedan sat down to write the Feminine Mystique, could she imagine a world with female world leaders let alone redefined gender roles. Indeed, how far we've come. There is no better example of how far we've come than the advertising world.

In adverts, the woman is usually seen as independent, important, business-like. She is a working mother, juggling the duties of a mother and a CEO. Man is her equal, not her better half. There is even a cheeky hint of superiority with slogans such as "so simple, a man could do it"(evidently, this advert wsn't for female razors, which look like they've been designed by the Early Learning Centre)

And what about the products that this successful, business-like, power-sharing woman is targeted with. Well, lets construct a model of the average woman and her day, as seen through the eyes of advertisers.

On awaking, (no doubt at 4:30am, to feed the twins, fill up the road tank and wake up her lazy good for nothing husband) she applies seven different skin creams and oils that will give her a healthy flawless complexion (that is, unless her face doesn't sag like a balloon filled with water due to all the moisture in it). For breakfast (no doubt a power breakfast, just berfore a board meeting) she wants to eat a bowl of low fat cereal. Low fat, so that she still looks good (presumably in a bright red business suit). Whilst at work, in between selling stocks, shares etc she needs to find time to take a break... to have a low fat, low sugar, piss poor fizzy drink and ogle a builder. With so little time for lunch, this highflying, fast living exec/mother will need something light and quick - no doubt a low fat cheese spread on crispbread will do the trick. Home time, and it's time to unwind. Curl up on the sofa with a low fat, low sugar hot chocolate drink. But it's been a busy day and she's worked hard, so she deserves a devilish treat - a big chocolate bar and where better to eat it than in the bath with a luxurious scrub. Finally, shattered from a busy day of hedgefunding, dogwalking and child and husband raising, she will turn in - but not before removing all the badness of the day with one pad and applying goodness for the nighttime with another.

Indeed, how far we've come. No longer slave to the kitchen, free to make decisions for herself, judged solely on the content of her character, not the colour or texture of her skin. I'm sure as Miss Davison saw the hoof falling, she smiled as she imagined future generations enjoying the freedom, to apply a fake tan, that she fought and died for.