High Smug levels expected to continue

Concern is increasing daily regarding the disturbing levels of Smug in the atmosphere. The phenomenon was first spotted a week ago. Low level atmospheric Smug was witnessed in neighbourhoods across the country. 

Alan Fetlock, Community Environment Officer for the Environment Agency has been monitoring and collating occurrences of Smug in the last week: 

"It first came to my attention in the morning of 7th February. I was called out to investigate a low level cloud which appeared to be hanging in the middle of the street in Stoke Newington. As this is such an unusual meteorological occurrence I brought a camera to the scene to document the phenomenon. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the cloud. I'm used to seeing small amounts of Smug - but it usually only appears as a fine mist outside art galleries and Victoria Coren's house. This cloud appeared to be hanging directly above The Painted Onion vegan cafe. Despite the generally sunny weather conditions, the cloud didn't dissipate. No sooner had I arrived at the Painted Onion when I was immediately called away from the scene to examine another cloud which had appeared above The Global Rainbow Healthfood Centre and Canteen in Crouch End. Again, before I had even left my vehicle I got a call to attend another incident in Greenwich. I resolved to try and obtain a sample before moving on. I could tell it was going to be a long day."

Fetlock was able to obtain a sample from the cloud as it appeared to have precipitated slightly as it grew heavier.

"I was able to take a swab from a wicker table outside the canteen. It appeared to be quite thick and rubbery in it's consistency. The manageress of the Centre, Clithera Harrington-Head was unable to shed any light on what had happened, stating that her customers had been sat reading the Guardian and chatting as usual."

On returning to the Environment Agency offices, Fetlock was able to test the sample. 

"I have to say that in all my years I've never come across anything as bizarre as this. We couldn't trace any of the usual gases, toxins and carcinogens  that you expect to find at street level. We were about to refer the matter on when by accident I dropped some onto my sandwiches and accidentally ate it. As I accidentally chewed the substance I remember getting the distinct feeling that I wasn't eating anything pleasant. I also felt a little cheated, and suddenly I realised that it was tofu."

This revelation created as many questions as it answered, one. Why were there clouds of Smug, made of pure tofu rising across the capital?

Indeed, not just the capital. Exactly at the same time as the incidents in London, further incidents were reported across the country - from Hebden Bridge to Glastonbury the cloud continued to spread.

Environment Minister, Spencer Fox-Hunt, had to be interrupted from his keynote address, "The Future of Parking: The Paving of Paradise", expressed his concern:

"It is right to say that it is a worrying chain of events. We have been closely monitoring the situation. The level of Smug in the country has reached a level seldom seen in this country."

The Smug cloud comes at a bad time for the Government, who find themselves mired in the scandal of horsemeat burgers and lasagne. Fox-Hunt added: "The last time smug levels reached anything like this was during the foot and mouth crisis." 

Indeed, there seems to be no let-up in the growth of the cloud. Prospects seem bleak for the time being. Senior Government scientist, Dame Bea Chursbrooke gave little hope: "If anything the trend seems to be that the Smug is only going to grow, at least for a little while longer." Asked if anything could be done to disperse the Smug cloud, Chursbrooke concluded: "It is likely that the cloud will eventually dissipate. There have been instances outside Waitrose supermarkets where the Smug has disappeared. However, the only way that I could see this being effected sooner  on a national scale would be if it were discovered that tofu was rendered from the anus of the loser of a bullfight."

So, it appears likely that we will have to suffer this Smug for a little while longer.